


The Absolutely Factual, Completely Objective Truth About Asgard

by anselm0



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Norse Mythology, But I love it OKAY?, Don't use this as your reference for actual Norse mythology, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Loki Feels, Scholars everywhere are wailing and gnashing their teeth, What Was I Thinking?, because obviously, no really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 08:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anselm0/pseuds/anselm0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy Lewis, scholar of intergalactic political science and mom extraordinaire, tells a (103% true) bedtime story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Grocery Store is a Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> In between making sure the future queen of Asgard ate every few days and becoming the foremost expert on interspecies diplomacy, Darcy Lewis got married to someone who may or may not (does) work for SHIELD and they created a new human. It's not taking your work home with you if it sounds like a fairy tale, right?
> 
>  
> 
> Unlike all of my other fics, this one is conveyed purely in dialogue. It's a bit unusual, but I wanted the focus to be on the story Darcy is telling, while still keeping it in the context of a mother talking to her five or six year old child. I hope you enjoy it, and I greatly appreciate all kudos, bookmarks, and comments!

“Story, Mom!”

“Which book?”

“I know all these. A new story!”

“But you love _Magic Tree House_.”

“ _New_ story, Mom!”

“Okay. Um, okay, I’ve got one. It’s a long story, for a lot of bedtimes. Are you ready?”

“What kind of story is it?”

“It’s like a fantasy story. Like _Magic Tree House_ , but it doesn’t happen on Earth. But it also has magic.”

“Okay, go.”

“Okay. Look out your window at the stars. Those stars are millions of miles away. You could drive toward them for your whole life and never get there, that’s how far away they are. And even farther than the stars, there are other planets, like Earth is a planet. Some of them are like Earth but some of them have red grass and two suns, or are nothing but water or clouds, and some of them are covered in volcanoes and lava.

“There was a man on one of those worlds, but he wasn’t a human man. You can think of him as looking like a human, but he was a different species called Æsir.”

“What’s his name?”

“His name was Odin. He was a warrior like many other Æsir, but he was smarter. He also wondered what was beyond the borders of their world, and made deals with powerful creatures who came from no-one knew where to take him to other planets. When he saw these beautiful places and the beautiful things the people living there could make, Odin wanted them for the Æsir, like presents.

“But one Æsir was not strong enough to take from whole tribes, so Odin returned to Asgard to gather an army.”

“Mom, is Odin good?”

“Do you think he isn’t?”

“You said you can’t just take things that don’t belong to you. Not even for a present, right?”

“Right.”

“Then Odin’s being naughty.”

“But maybe he’s not all bad. Do you want more of the story, or are you tired?”

“No, no – more!”

“So, Odin went back to Asgard, and told everybody about the wonderful things in the universe. He spoke so well that they could almost see the beautiful elven jewelry and taste the delicious dwarven mead. Mead’s bubbly like soda, but warm like hot chocolate.”

“ _Ew_!”

“Well, Odin thought it was yummy! He got all the Æsir leaders to agree to follow him, but there was another group on Asgard, called Vanir. The Vanir didn’t want to get involved with other worlds; they were afraid that an army would come to take their stuff like Odin wanted to take the jewelry and the mead. Odin argued with the Vanir for a long, long time. He led the army of Æsir that he was going to take to other worlds against the Vanir. A lot of people died.

“Finally, everybody was so tired of fighting, they just wanted to go back to the way things used to be. But Odin refused to stop if he hadn’t won. The leader of the Vanir agreed to give up and let Odin be king of everybody in Asgard if Odin married his daughter. So, Odin married Frigga.”

“Did they love each other?”

“Not at first. But Frigga wanted to make Asgard whole again and thought she could keep Odin from going to war with other worlds. She made him promise to build a city for the Æsir and the Vanir if she would teach him her magic. That took a long time, and when it was finished, Frigga had convinced Odin that he should try to trade with the other worlds rather than conquer them.

“So, Odin went first to the elves and said he would give them horses – because there weren’t any on their planet – and teach them how to ride if they would give him their jewelry. The elves agreed to the trade, so Odin did the same with the dwarves, and all the other people he had met on his travels. When they did not agree, he brought his army, but after all the worlds were trading with each other and knew that Odin would protect them if they were ever in danger, they forgave him.”

“He said he was sorry?”

“Maybe. Probably not. But it wasn’t—you know how you like bananas?”

“Yeah.”

“Bananas don’t grow here, or even in America. The grocery store gets the bananas and all other kinds of food from other places. After Odin brought all the worlds together, they had good things they didn’t have before. They thought that was better, so they were glad Odin did what he did. I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s what they thought.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. The elves and the dwarves and everybody liked Odin so much that they called him All-Father, because he took care of them all and brought them into a family.”

“And they got grocery stores.”

“…Right.”

“What happened next?”

“With all the people working together – and they all had different kinds of magic – they built a bridge made of light that could take Odin to any world without having to barter with the Old Ones.”

“The Old Ones?”

“They had stronger magic than Frigga or any of the other beings, and they didn’t belong to any particular species that anyone knew about. They had just always been there, as far as anyone could remember, and they would accept payment for their gifts. Actually, right after he united the realms, Odin went to the Old Ones who were called the Norns.

“There were three Norns, and they were like cat ladies. They had a lot of pets and they did a lot of gardening, and they got their water from a well that was rumored to give infinite wisdom. It was said that the Norns knew the whole of the past, the present, and the future because they only drank this water. Odin was basically king of all the inhabited worlds, but he could only be in one place at a time, and he was afraid someone would try to take over. So, he went to the Norns and asked to drink the water so he could know whether he would be king forever.

“ _All-knowing ones, I am Odin All-Father, who has brought together the seven worlds in peace and fellowship. Grant me your favor and let me drink from the fabled well of knowledge, that I can see how to lead them, and your wingéd familiars, that I can look after my children in all times._

“Shush, that’s what he asked them, and that’s exactly how he sounded!

“But Odin lied to the Norns. He didn’t believe in destiny, and figured he would be king as long as he could manage to. What he really wanted was their two ravens, Huginn and Muninn. They were powerful magical beings and could act as Odin’s eyes across the worlds; they would whisper the names of his enemies in his ear before they could act against him.

“Are you getting tired?”

“No!”

“Jas.”

“No, I want to hear the end!”

“It’s almost over, I just wanted to make sure you could pay attention.

“Alright, so, Odin asked the Norns for water and the ravens. He offered them gold and silver, but they refused. He offered the finest stallions in all of Asgard, but they refused. He offered them exotic creatures from all the seven realms, but they still refused. Odin didn’t usually take no for an answer, but he knew better than to attack the Norns; they had their own brand of magic that could extinguish stars and swallow planets. He was about to leave to think what else they might want, but the Norns made their own offer.

“ _We will give a drink and the lords Huginn and Muninn in exchange for Odin’s flesh._

“ _I am a king, but my life is not worth so much._ Of course, he didn’t want to die, but they didn’t want that, either.

“ _A dipperful of water and the lords Huginn and Muninn for the right hand of the king._ A dipper is like a big cup. 

“Well, it was a good deal, but Odin was a warrior king. If he could not carry his sword and his spear, his enemies would be quick to take his throne. He argued with the Norns, asking for a new deal. Finally, they all agreed on a mouthful of water from the well of wisdom and the ravens in exchange for Odin’s right eye and a piece of his liver.”

“Why did they want those?”

“Well, they were hungry.”

“They wanted to _eat_ them?”

“Yes.”

“Yuck! But wait! How is one eyeball gonna feed three people?”

“The Norns weren’t big people. They were tiny, like fairies – like Tinkerbell, but without wings.”

“Why didn’t they eat chicken or something, like normal people?”

“They’ve got a lot of pets, remember? The Norns loved all animals and they didn’t want to eat anything that hadn’t said they could eat it, so they had to ask Odin if they could have his eyeball and his liver to eat, and he said yes.

“Odin went to the well and brought up the bucket. The Norns watched him carefully as he took a tiny sip from the cup – they had agreed the Norns would be able to take more of his flesh if Odin tried to cheat them – so he took only as much as he was allowed.”

“What does the water do, again?”

“Drinking the water was supposed to grant wisdom – knowledge about the world and how to act. But I don’t think the water was very special at all; I think the Norns let people think the water was special so they could keep making deals for fresh meat.”

“ _Gross_. They really ate his eye and his liver? What’s a liver?”

“It’s a part of your tummy, and yes, they did. Odin believed in the water’s power, and the ravens Huginn and Muninn flew to his shoulders, so he plucked out his own eye – _plop_! – and cut open his side to carve off a piece of his liver for them.”

“Hey, don’t tickle!”

“Alright, that’s a good place to stop. Odin went back to his palace on Asgard with the ravens, which he could send flying out across the other realms to spy on the native kings. Huginn was like a genius, and Muninn remembered the history of every single person Odin met, so they served Odin-king well. They would be the ones to save his life in the coming war.

“But that’s a different story. Okay? Sleep tight, Jas.”

“I will.”

“And don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

“Nope!”

“Goodnight.”

“’Night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not technically canon-compliant with the backstory at the beginning of _Thor_ , but I will contend until my dying day that Odin fudged the facts to make himself look good. "No, I definitely did not sell my body parts for the Dr. Doolittle version of the Gestapo; that was lost in Glorious Battle with the evil snow king!" **Nobody likes you, Odin!**


	2. A Refrigerator by Any Other Name Would Make Stuff Cold

“Come on, Jas, don’t you want your story?”

“Sorry, I’m coming!”

“Put your towel back on the rack, don’t just leave it on the floor again. Did you do that?”

“Uh-huh. Odin!”

“Yep. How far did we get?”

“He got married to be king in A-gard—”

“ _As_ gard.”

“Yeah, he was king, and then he brought supermarkets to the other planets and he got his eyeball and his, his tummy eaten by the fairies. And he got two birds.”

“Okay, yeah. So, he’s busy being king in Asgard and it’s all great. The Æsir are rich and powerful, and there are no wars between the realms. There are six others besides Asgard that Odin rules; how many is that?”

“Mom! I know numbers, I’m not a _baby_.”

“Then how many is it?”

“Seven, duh.”

“ _Duh_. But there aren’t only seven planets out there. There were a few that were barren that Odin never went to, but there was one he did visit when he was wandering that he didn’t establish trade with.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it was called Jötunheimr. It was a very big planet that had a very small, very weak sun. There was never any day on Jötunheimr, only a bit less dark when the sun, which was only as bright as our moon, was out. It was so cold that the ocean had frozen solid in most places.

“But the reason Odin didn’t go back to Jötunheimr was mostly that he didn’t like the people living there. The Frost Giants were huge creatures, shaped like humans and Æsir but they had thick skin the color of blueberries—”

“They’re _blue_?”

“Yep. And they wore greenish armor made from fish skin and had red eyes to help them see in the dark. Odin thought they were savages; they didn’t have cities and only seemed to move when they were hunting or fighting with each other. Anyway, the only things Odin saw in the whole of Jötunheimr were these Giants and a few huge, ugly fish that didn’t even taste very good because they only ate them raw, and he didn’t think Asgard needed any of that.

“Remember when I told you that the water he drank from the Norns’ well was supposed to make Odin really wise, but I don’t think it worked? Well, I think that because Odin didn’t know anything about the Frost Giants. He assumed they were stupid and beneath his notice because they did things very differently from the Æsir and didn’t have any interest in changing. Odin was very rude, and he thought that his was the best way of doing things, and people who didn’t follow his example were too simple to understand their own inferiority.

“The Frost Giants were called Jötnar in their own language, and they were as old a race as the Æsir. They all lived much longer than humans, thousands of years, but Jötnar were even more long-lived. While the Æsir had lived as farmers without a unified kingdom for millions of years before Odin, the Jötnar had had a king nearly since the beginning of time. But they lived so long that when Odin came back from the Norns’ well, they were still only on their fifth king.”

“Why did they live so long?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the cold kept them fresh, like food in the freezer, or maybe it was that they didn’t move unless they had to, like the turtles we saw at the zoo. Remember? That big one was over two hundred years old.”

“He was like a dinosaur.”

“He was. And they’re Giants, remember, like the turtles. They were all taller than Odin, which may be part of the reason he didn’t like them.”

“Taller than Dad?”

“Way taller.

“Anyway, the king, who was called Laufey, had already been on the throne of Jötunheimr for a thousand years when Odin united the Æsir and Vanir on Asgard. Laufey was glad that Odin never came back to Jötunheimr because he didn’t want Odin to steal his most precious possession like he was buying or taking all the best things from the other realms.

“When Odin built the light bridge into the other realms, Laufey worried, but he knew that Æsir didn’t live as long as Jötnar and he expected that he could simply wait until Odin died. Even if there was another King of Asgard after Odin, Laufey did not think it was possible that he would have the same measure of power over the other realms as Odin did.

“But then Odin’s queen Frigga gave birth to a son – an heir to the throne, one who might be as powerful as Odin in his time. And Laufey knew that the Æsir craved excitement, usually in the form of war; he feared this son of Odin setting his eyes on Jötunheimr.

“So, Laufey decided that he must wage war on Odin and negotiate the independence of Jötunheimr in a peace treaty. He could never win in a direct attack against Asgard, and he didn’t want to involve the other realms because his army only big enough to face Asgard, not all seven realms. So, Laufey decided he would make as though to set up an empire to rival Odin’s and attack a distant planet called Midgard; it was rich in natural resources and its native people called it Earth.”

“He came here?” 

“He did.”

“Is this real?”

“Jas, they’re _blue_.”

“So, it isn’t?”

“In the _story_ , Laufey knew that if he invaded Earth, he could use his—did I tell you what Laufey’s most precious possession was? Right, that’s important. The Casket of Ancient Winter was like a box with handles on either side, and inside was the cold. It was like a super-refrigerator: Laufey could use its magic to turn any planet at any time of the year into a frozen world like Jötunheimr. Odin and the other Æsir weren’t used to those kind of conditions, which would give Laufey the advantage in the fight.

“But before Laufey could put his plan into action, he had to have a baby. He was the only member of the royal family left, and he had to make sure there was somebody else to take his place if he died in battle to get his warriors to follow him. But when Laufey gave birth—”

“Wait, he can’t have a baby; he’s a boy! Only girls can have babies, right? Like you.”

“That’s how it works with humans, but the Frost Giants aren’t anything like humans. We have two sexes but they have only one, so anyone can have a baby if they want to. I’m talking about Laufey like he’s a man, but I could also talk about him as a _her_. 

“So, she gave birth, but the baby was tiny. They’re called the Frost Giants for a reason, but Laufey’s firstborn was hardly any bigger than you were when you were born. Laufey didn’t think such a tiny thing could ever be king of Jötunheimr, so she put the baby on an altar as an offering to the spirits of winter, so they would give her better children.”

“What was the baby’s name?”

“Laufey didn’t name him because he was letting the baby die.”

“Why?”

“Well, all I wanted from my baby was someone healthy, but Laufey wanted an heir to the throne and he thought that being small was a sign that his baby wasn’t going to be a good king. It’s not a nice thing, but that’s what he believed. He thought that if his subjects knew his firstborn was so tiny, they would begin to question the validity of Laufey’s own ability to lead them. So, he put the baby out to starve.

“But don’t worry, because the baby doesn’t die. Odin’s raven Muninn had flown across the realms and he heard Laufey talking with his generals about his plans and saw that Laufey was pregnant. When Odin heard what Laufey-king was going to do, he was angry, but mostly because he had been tricked when he had gone to Jötunheimr into thinking that there was nothing of value in the realm when in fact the Casket was an incredible source of power.

“He was ready to march into Jötunheimr as soon has he found out, but Frigga came to him as he was putting on his armor. She was carrying their child and showed him to Odin, saying, _Look at your son! Thor is our greatest treasure, and that of Asgard and the six realms. If you kill Laufey while she carries the future of Jötunheimr in her belly, the Frost Giants will forever crave their revenge. Do you want them to kill your son in exchange for their lost prince?_

“She convinced Odin to wait until Laufey had given birth before attacking, and to spare the child from death. As soon as Huginn and Muninn reported to Odin that Laufey was delivered of the little baby, Odin took ten thousand Asgardian soldiers into Jötunheimr.

“The Jötnar were unprepared, but they were much better suited to the darkness and cold than the Æsir. The battle was long and vicious; more than half of Odin’s men were killed, and thousands of Laufey’s, too. The Æsir carried shining swords and spears and battleaxes forged by the finest dwarfish craftspeople from the purest steel, but the Jötnar were stronger and wielded blades and clubs made of ice that they summoned by their own brand of magic. Using the Casket of Ancient Winters, Laufey could freeze the golden-armored Æsir solid and smash them like ice sculptures.

“At last, Odin and Laufey faced each other. The ravens flew at Odin’s orders, pecking Laufey and distracting him so Odin could knock the Casket from his hands with his spear. Without it, the Jötunn could not stand against the All-Father’s fury, and was beaten.”

“Did Odin kill him, Mom?”

“No; he remembered what Frigga had told him – if he took away their king and the future of Laufey’s royal line, the Jötnar would take their revenge against his son, Thor. Instead, Odin promised that no Asgardian would return to Jötunheimr and took the Casket and the baby Laufey had abandoned. I don’t know why he did that. Maybe it was to spite Laufey-king, who believed that the sacrificial death of her firstborn was the only way to produce a better heir, or maybe Odin was planning on raising a Jötunn who could take the throne and rule with Asgard’s interests at heart.

“In any case, Odin returned from Jötunheimr a conquering king with the greatest treasure of that realm taken for Asgard. He forbade any Asgardian from traveling to Jötunheimr, which encouraged their dislike of that realm and its people. 

“Odin determined to raise Laufey’s child, who he named Loki, as his own son. Frigga wove a spell on her loom that made the Jötunn child appear with the pale skin and dark hair characteristic of the lowland Vanir, so that nobody would know that he was one of the hated Frost Giants, not even Loki himself.

“And I can see you falling asleep, so we’ll finish for tonight.”

“Okay.”

“’Night, Jas.”

“Mom? When are you having the baby?”

“In two months, right before you birthday. And there is nothing this baby can be that I won’t love as much as I love you, so don’t you worry.”

“I know. Will Dad be home for that?”

“I sure hope so. I’m turning out your light now.”

“Goodnight, Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that we only ever see what appear to be male Jötnar because they are all the same sex. This is not A/B/O; they all have vaginas in addition to penises. The not-PG backstory of the Jötnar monarchical system is that the different clans went to war with each other in order to find sexual partners because it was widely considered dishonorable to willingly submit to being the penetrated partner. 
> 
> When Laufey’s ancestor united the tribes in a divine-right sort of milieu, he was faced with a conundrum: he couldn’t bear children because that would diminish his supremacy, and he couldn’t father another Jötunn’s child because that would dilute the kingly blood. The solution was, of course, to impregnate himself, which became the privilege of the royal line. If there were more than one child in a given generation, they would fight amongst each other until one emerged supreme and had the surviving siblings bear the next generation.
> 
> Incest: the universal shortcoming of hereditary monarchies.
> 
> The inbreeding is my explanation for Loki being born so weak and undersized. In addition, I don’t think a unisex species would bother with lactation (even though they have already bothered with live birth, but whatever) and instead nurture newborns in the appropriately death metal manner of letting them drink the parents’ blood from intentional, self-inflicted wounds. 
> 
> …I don’t know what goes on in my head, either.


	3. The Friendzone is a DMZ

“Do you want a story tonight?”

“No.”

“Alright, good night.”

“Wait! Mommy, I want to go! Please, can I go?”

“I told you, it’s your Uncle Erik’s birthday, and everybody wants to see you. Don’t you want to see _farfar_ again?”

“But there are waterslides! I’ve never been to Amazon!”

“I know, and you can go some other time. Maybe Daddy will take you when he comes home.”

“Everybody else gets to go—”

“That’s enough. Jas, I don’t want to talk about this again. Lie down and go to sleep, please.”

“Can I have a story? Please.”

“You said you didn’t want one.”

“I know; I changed my mind. Please, Mommy?”

“Where did I stop?”

“Um, Odin killed Laufey—I mean, no! He took the baby and went back to Asgard.”

“Right, he was going to raise the baby as his own. Do you remember the baby’s name?”

“Loki. And his real kid was Thor.”

“Loki was also his real son, even though he was adopted.”

“Oh, right. Because they loved him.”

“Well, they…did, yes. Probably not as well as they should have. Moms and dads are supposed to love their kids – biological or adopted – all the same, but Odin couldn’t forget that Loki was a Jötunn, a Frost Giant, underneath the spell that made him look like a Vanir. It wasn’t that Loki was bad, but Odin had a prejudice, an unfair bad feeling, about Frost Giants after his experiences with Laufey-king.

“When the boys were little, it was easier because Loki was younger than Thor and wanted to be just like his big brother. Just like your baby sibling is going to look up to you when they get here. Thor thought his dad was the greatest dad and king ever, and he wanted to be a warrior like Odin when he grew up, and since Thor wanted that, so did Loki.

“But by the time they started learning how to carry a sword and ride a horse, their mother Frigga also started teaching them her magic. Thor was better at the sword, and Loki was better at magic. This made Odin afraid, because the Frost Giants used magic much more commonly and regularly than other species.”

“I thought it was a different magic.”

“It was, but people who are afraid don’t always think straight. Loki liked Frigga’s magic so much and he was so good at it that he also wanted to learn other kinds of magic like the elves and dwarves used. Odin didn’t want to let him learn that, but Frigga convinced him to let Loki do what he loved.

“What frightened Odin more was that Loki – like all little boys – liked to do naughty things. He and Thor would steal apples from the kitchen, play in the mud in their best clothes, and take Frigga’s best tablecloths to make forts. They did these things together, but Odin always got madder at Loki and punished him more harshly because he didn’t want Loki to grow up as bad as Odin thought Frost Giants were. But Loki noticed the difference between how he and Thor were treated and he could only conclude that Odin didn’t love him as much because he wasn’t as good at the things Thor and Odin did – fighting and jousting and other war stuff. He wanted to please his father, but every time he failed, he also wanted to do exactly the opposite of what Odin wanted.”

“Was Loki bad?”

“No, not at all. He was just like Thor, and every other kid in the nine realms – just like you. It was just Odin couldn’t—he was racist against Frost Giants. He didn’t like them for no good reason, but everybody else didn’t like them for no good reason, too, and nobody considered that they were just like everybody else, even if they didn’t look exactly the same.

“Anyway, Odin and Loki didn’t get along very well, but Loki and Thor were best friends. Loki was a bit jealous because Thor made friends who were also training to be warriors – Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun. They were all older than Loki, and Loki was a sorcerer, which wasn’t very common on Asgard; most of the people who practiced magic were women. When Loki played a trick on them by freezing their drinks until they were holding them upside down so they got their clothes soaked, Fandral made fun of him for using magic like a woman. Thor laughed along with the others, which hurt Loki’s feelings.”

“That was mean.”

“It was.”

“I thought Thor was Loki’s friend.”

“He was. Thor loved Loki very much, but he also loved his friends and he didn’t realize how badly laughing at Fandral’s joke made Loki feel. He wasn’t trying to be mean, and Loki didn’t tell Thor how he felt, so Thor kept on loving Loki and Loki thought that Thor didn’t like Loki’s magic.”

“Well, that’s just silly.”

“Yep. Very, very silly.”

“I really don’t like Odin.”

“You think it’s his fault.”

“Duh, Mom. Why didn’t he tell Thor that Loki’s magic was okay? That’s what mommies and daddies are supposed to do.”

“ _I_ know that, but Odin thought he was way smarter than he actually was. And Loki knew that, even though Thor didn’t for a long time, not until they were both grown up.

“But while they were still young, maybe twelve or so, Odin and Frigga betrothed Thor. Betrothed is like promising to marry someone when you’re old enough, but your parents decide who you’ll marry. Like Aurora, remember? Lots of princes and princesses get betrothed in stories. Odin and Frigga picked the daughter of one of Odin’s friends, Sif. Sif was still young, but everybody agreed that she would be one of the most beautiful women in the nine realms when she grew up.”

“Of course, _that’s_ all they cared about.”

“I have taught you well, young Padawan. Yes, all they cared about was that Sif was pretty and had beautiful blonde hair.”

“Blonde, of course!”

“I know! But Sif wasn’t boring, and she didn’t want to be a cardboard cutout. What Sif really wanted to do was be a warrior like the Valkyries. Just like we have stories here on Earth, the Asgardian children listened to stories about made-up heroes and fairy tales, and some of these stories were about the Valkyries. They were women but they had wings and carried swords and were the ones who judged all the men who wanted to be warriors, whether they were good enough.

“But just like men didn’t often practice magic in Asgard, women were almost never warriors. Sif’s father didn’t let her have a sword or learn to ride a charger, but when she was betrothed to Thor, she came to live in the palace, and she hoped she would be able to sneak into the training grounds with the boys. So, she hid her long, gold hair under a hat and wore boys’ clothes she stole from the palace laundry room and followed the boys outside when she said she wanted to take a nap or a bath.

“Now, Thor and his friends didn’t realize that this newcomer was actually Sif, but clever Loki noticed right away and thought they must know, too; it was obvious! Even though they were just being friendly with who they thought was a new boy, Loki thought Thor and the others were accepting this girl into a place she wasn’t supposed to be when they never had accepted him. It wasn’t fair, and Loki was sure if Sif got to go train with Thor, they would be best friends and Thor would forget about him even more. 

“Of course, Thor had no idea that it was Sif and he loved Loki as much as ever, but they didn’t spend all their time together like they did when they were younger, so Loki thought Thor liked his friends more.”

“I’m going to love the baby, but can I still play with Ben and Aria and Skye?”

“Of course you can. The baby’s going to be too small for you to play with them for a while, anyway.”

“It doesn’t look little.”

“Oh, thanks, that’s the way to get back on my good side.

“Loki wanted to get rid of Sif so she couldn’t take his place with Thor, so he used his magic to knock her hat off. The quartermaster, their teacher, saw Sif’s long hair and recognized the future princess. He took her back into the palace to tell Odin what she had done.”

“She shouldn’t be in trouble for that.”

“No, but she was. But when the quartermaster was telling Odin what had happened, Thor and the others came in and told Odin that Sif was very good with the spear. _Please, Father, let her come with us!_ he said. _I must be a warrior to be a king; shouldn’t my queen be a warrior, too? You let Loki learn magic even though he is a boy, so let Lady Sif take up a sword like a man._

“That wasn’t exactly the way Sif thought of it, but she thought it might be enough to convince Odin. Loki was afraid that Odin would forbid Sif and put an end to his magical education as well, so he chimed in with Thor, _Father, let her train with us. The queen protects Asgard and commands its warriors when the king is away; she must know the art of war to do her duty._

“They pleaded with such feeling that Odin reluctantly agreed to let Sif continue. Now she could go down to the practice yards wearing her own clothes and her hair in a braid down her back. And she was as good at these war games as any of the boys, especially with the staff. Thor was very happy that his betrothed was more interesting than he had first thought – he had no patience for the weaving and dancing all the other palace ladies were constantly doing. He told Loki how much he admired Lady Sif and the way the sun gleamed on her golden hair as she disarmed Fandral or knocked Hogun from his horse.

“Jealous of the attention she was getting, Loki waited until Sif was asleep and cut all of her hair off.”

“No! I liked Loki!”

“I know, but he was young and he didn’t know how else to express himself – he couldn’t find the right words to tell Thor and Sif how much he wanted to be included. Sif was angry when she woke up, but not as angry as Thor was. He had started to like the idea of being married to a woman like Sif, and he had wanted to touch her yellow hair, which looked so much silkier than his own blond head. But no matter how much he yelled, Loki wouldn’t admit why he had done it.”

“Did he say he was sorry?”

“I don’t think so. And the longer Sif’s hair grew back, the darker it became until it was as black as Loki’s. The others thought this was because Loki had used his magic to cut Sif’s hair, and trusted him even less than they had before. 

“But the Æsir lived long and aged slowly, and by the time they were grown, Thor and his friends had almost forgotten how furious they had been over Loki’s mean prank. Even Sif didn’t care anymore; her hair didn’t affect how well she carried herself in battle, or how intelligently she could speak to any of the members of court on any subject.”

“Did she and Thor get married?”

“No.”

“I thought they were be-robed.”

“Betrothed, yes, they were. And she and Thor loved each other, but like brother and sister. Thor thought he could be very happy with her, but he knew that marrying Sif would force her into an inferior role and keep her from being the incredible fighter she had become. She stood by his side in battle along with his other friends, Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg – the Warriors Three. Not only did she win the acceptance of Asgard as the first woman warrior in an age, she was widely considered to be among the best in the realms with a quarterstaff.”

“Did she and Loki become friends?”

“I think they came to respect each other and their abilities, but I don’t think she ever fully trusted Loki. She knew that Loki was jealous of Thor for Odin’s approval, and of Thor’s friends for Thor’s love, but she didn’t think that was a good enough excuse for what Loki did.”

“To her hair?”

“Loki would do much worse than that, but it’s late. I’ll tell you tomorrow night, okay? And don’t tell me you aren’t sleepy; you can barely keep your eyes open.”

“Fine. Will the story be over before Saturday? I want to tell _farfar_ what happens.”

“I think he might already know it, but he probably remembers parts that I don’t. But I bet he’d still like to hear what you think.”

“Will he make the noodles?”

“You’re going to make him cook on his birthday? We’ll see.”

“Can you ask him how to make them and make them for _my_ birthday?”

“If I promise to, will you go to sleep?”

“I pinky promise.”

“Okay, good night, Jas.”

“’Night, Mommy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s just responsible parenting to teach your kids to notice and ignore the treatment of women in most popular media. This is as good a time as any to say that I’ve left Jas’s gender ambiguous on purpose – I didn’t decide if Jas is short for Jasper or Jasmine even when I was writing. This young, it shouldn’t make much of a difference. 
> 
> _Farfar_ is Swedish for grandfather, which is inconsistent with calling him ‘uncle,’ but nobody ever said endearments had to make sense. Also, Swedish for uncle is either _farbror_ , which could easily be muddled into farfar by a toddler, or _onkel_ , which is just weak sauce. I get all my information from the Google translator app, so direct any complaints to them.


	4. Every Villain is Trying to Be a Hero

“Was that Dad?”

“Yes, he’s coming home early. Sometime late tomorrow night; we’ll make blueberry waffles to celebrate in the morning.”

“Can I stay up?”

“You can stay up _later_ , but you still have school.”

“Can we have ice cream and watch _Ninja Warrior_?”

“Hm, I won’t make any promises, but I’ll think about it. Dad says he loves you, by the way.”

“I know that.”

“Yes, but we’ll keep saying it forever.”

“That’s okay, because I love you, too, and Daddy. Can I hear more of the story?”

“Do you still like this one? I thought you might not understand it all, but you’re smarter than I thought, I should have known.”

“I get it, but I think some of the people aren’t very good.”

“In real life, people aren’t usually all good or all bad, and we don’t know all the reasoning behind some of the things they do. Who do you like best so far?”

“I think I like Loki, but not all the time. He was really mean to Sif and—oh, I really like her! I know he’s lonely, but I don’t know.”

“I know what you mean. It’s very easy to like Loki, even though he does bad things sometimes. He’s all grown up by now, and a very good wizard. One of his favorite tricks was making a picture of himself that moves and talks like a video in another place, and he also liked turning things into other things when people weren’t looking and surprising them. He liked reading books about history and legends and hearing about things happening in other realms. And more than anything, Loki still wanted Odin to notice him, but Odin still criticized Loki more than he did Thor.

“Thor was also grown, a little older than Loki, and he and Sif and the Warriors Three mostly occupied themselves with little quests and tournaments to test their skills. He was much more popular than Loki because he was very friendly and cheerful all the time. He lived in the certainty that he would be king, and he itched to prove himself against Odin’s legacy.

“Odin was getting old, and he wanted the kingdom to know that they would be safe even if he died. Remember, he was Asgard’s first king, and there weren’t yet any rules about what would happen after a king died. So, Odin decided to hold a ceremony formally naming Thor as his heir.”

“Because he was the oldest?”

“That’s a lot of the reason, yes. Loki thought he would be a better king, though, because Thor didn’t seem to care about any of the boring chores that a king had to do; all he ever wanted to do was the exciting stuff, and he didn’t think very far ahead of himself. But he couldn’t say this to Odin, who he thought didn’t like him as much as Thor. So, Loki decided he would _show_ their father that Thor was not prepared to rule.

“The Jötnar – Remember them? They were still angry about losing to Odin and hoping to topple the Asgardian throne. Anyway, they were always looking for ways to make things go badly for Odin and other Æsir. Loki made a deal with them to sneak several into the palace so they could steal back the Casket of Ancient Winters.”

“The refrigerator. The magical refrigerator.”

“Exactly. Loki knew that Odin had put a spell on the Casket so he would know if someone touched it, so the Frost Giants wouldn’t actually be able to take it. And, in the middle of the ceremony, Odin did feel the spell activating, and the three intruders were captured. Thor wanted to attack Jötunheimr; _This is an act of war against Asgard!_ he told Odin. _If you do not destroy the Frost Giants, you will look weak and foolish before the realms!_

“But Odin knew that Laufey-king was not behind such a doomed plan, and told Thor that he must be content with punishing the three Giants who had been caught red-handed. They argued, and Thor left prepared to defy his father’s orders.

“This was exactly what Loki had wanted, and he told Thor that he was right to encourage him to disobey the All-Father. Thor gathered up the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three and took the rainbow bridge to Jötunheimr to confront the Jötunn king. Loki went with them and told a guard to tell Odin where they had gone, because he only wanted Odin to see how rash Thor was, not war with Jötunheimr.

“The six of them walked across the frozen plains to Laufey’s throne. Laufey-king told them the truth: that he had not violated the peace treaty and that there was a traitor in Odin’s house who had orchestrated the burglary. Thor refused to believe this and got them into a fight with Laufey’s warriors. They had come prepared for battle and they fought well; Thor carried a war hammer called Mjölnir that only he could lift and could call to his hand like a magnet. Loki used his magic as a weapon and when it seemed he could not move out of the way of an attack, the Jötnar weapon would pass through the hologram double Loki cast, leaving him safe.

“But there were only six of them, and hundreds of Frost Giants. One of them grabbed Volstagg’s arm, who was burned by the Jötunn’s ice magic, and Fandral was stabbed though his shoulder. Sif called for them to retreat, and they had to drag Thor away; he wanted to kill all the Frost Giants and wouldn’t listen to reason. As they were escaping, one of the Frost Giants touched Loki, but he was not burned. The Jötnar magic cut through the spell that made Loki look like a Vanir, making his arm turn back to Jötunn blue.

“None of the others saw what had happened. When they got back to Asgard, Odin was furious with Thor and called him an arrogant, greedy child unfit to be king. Thor would not apologize, so Odin took away Mjölnir and exiled Thor to the realm of Midgard.”

“What’s that?”

“That’s Earth, remember?”

“Oh, right!”

“Yes, and when he was gone, Loki went to Odin to ask what it meant that the touch of a Jötunn did not hurt him like it did an Æsir. Odin was forced to admit that Loki was Laufey’s son, and Loki understood why his father had never seemed to approve of him and would make Thor his heir even though he would be a worse king. As they argued, Odin fell asleep.”

“He _what_?”

“Odin could live so long because he hibernated sometimes, like bears do in the winter. Every few centuries, he would fall into a deep sleep for weeks or months at a time. It wasn’t supposed to happen right then, but he was so upset about Thor and Loki that it overwhelmed him.

“Usually Frigga would take over as regent while Odin slept, but she feared he would die and refused to leave him alone. Since Thor had been banished, Loki took over as king. For the first time in his life, he was powerful and people had to listen to him. The worst thing he could imagine, now that he had it, was losing that supremacy. So, Loki knew that he could not let Thor come back to Asgard, and he couldn’t let people find out that he was a Jötunn.”

“What’s wrong with being Jötunn?”

“Everybody on Asgard thought they were barbarians – not as smart as them because they lived differently. And Loki believed it, too, even though he was Jötnar. He had grown up believing that Frost Giants were evil, terrible creatures that couldn’t do anything right, and he hated that he was one.”

“Couldn’t he stop being one?”

“It was just who he was, just like you’re Jas and I’m your Mom. You can’t change that, and it was only a horrible prejudice that made him think he even should. That’s what his Mom told him, too. She loved Loki and it didn’t matter that he wasn’t Æsir or Vanir, because he was her son and she loved him no matter what.

“But Loki knew that Odin didn’t feel the same way, and he wanted to prove that he could be a good son of Odin and a good Asgardian. But how should he do that? What do you think he did?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he gave everyone presents and pizza and ice cream?”

“That probably would have been better. Loki wanted to show he could follow in Odin’s footsteps. Do you remember everything Odin did?”

“He invented grocery stores, and he let cat ladies eat his eyeball, and he—he adopted Loki. Did Loki adopt a baby, too?”

“No. The other thing Odin did was invade Jötunheimr, do you remember? Laufey was going to try to get rid of Odin, so he went and stole Laufey’s magic freezer box, right?”

“Oh, yeah. Did Loki steal that again?”

“It was still in Asgard – that was what the Frost Giants were trying to steal earlier. There wasn’t really anything else for Loki to take from Laufey, but everyone on Asgard hated Frost Giants and worried that Laufey was going to attack them to get his box back. Loki wanted to make sure that never happened, so he tried to blow Jötunheimr up.”

“The whole planet?”

“Like the Death Star.”

“How did he do that?”

“Well, the Bifrost, the magic bridge made of light that Odin used to travel between the planets, it worked kind of like a laser pointer. You could point it a direction and it would stop when it hit something. But if you left it on too long, the laser would start to burn through the thing it had landed on.”

“Can I do that with our laser pointer?”

“No, it’s not big enough, or you’d have killed Miu-Miu by now. The Bifrost is big enough to ride a horse on. If Loki pointed it at Jötunheimr and just left it on, didn’t go across it or anything, it would eventually burn the planet up.”

“That’s not good at all; it’s made of ice, isn’t it?”

“Yep. So, Loki turned on the Bifrost, and it started killing Jötnar. But Lady Sif and the Warriors Three knew what he was doing and went to Earth to find Thor so he could stop it. Thor found Mjölnir and came back to Asgard and tried to get Loki to turn it off. _You can’t do that! You’re killing all those people, and they haven’t done anything!_

“ _You were going to kill them all, anyway! Why do you care?_ And Thor had wanted to do that, but on Earth, he had learned how to be a better person. Before, it was always Loki telling him the right thing to do, and he couldn’t understand why Loki was being so evil all of a sudden.”

“It’s because he’s sad, isn’t it?”

“It usually is, yeah; sad and lonely.

“But Loki wouldn’t turn off the Bifrost, so Thor had to use his hammer to destroy it, even though it meant he couldn’t go back to Earth. And Thor had really liked being on Earth and wanted to go back, but he gave that up to save Jötunheimr.

“They were still fighting – you have to remember, they still loved each other, but Loki was so angry at himself and at Odin that he wanted to hurt Thor.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Mom!”

“It’s hard to explain; you’ll understand it when you’re older.

“But they were still fighting as the Bifrost blew up, and they both would have fallen off into space if Thor hadn’t grabbed Loki and Odin had grabbed Thor’s foot. You see, Odin had used his magic to help build the Bifrost, so he felt it when Thor started to hit it with the hammer and it woke him up.”

“So, Thor and Loki were saved?”

“They were, but Loki looked up and saw a man who had lied to him and never really loved him, and a brother who wasn’t really his brother and didn’t really understand him. He had done everything he could to make Odin proud and to be as good as Thor, and it hadn’t been good enough. He saw himself as a monster who didn’t belong anywhere, so he let go, and he fell.”

“He just…fell?”

“Off into space.”

“Did he die?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Then what happened?”

“Laufey was dead and Odin and Thor started trying to rebuild the Bifrost.”

“But what about Loki? Did he come back?”

“Eventually.”

“When?”

“He spent a long time travelling around the realms; he did some very bad things and a few good things, too. Thor never gave up on him, kept trying to bring him back home, but Loki hated Odin for lying all those years, and pretending. But, after a lot of years and a lot of fights, Loki became friends with Thor again. He and Sif became very good friends, too; they both understood what it was like to be discounted for something that made them who they were and that they couldn’t change even if they wanted to.”

“Is that it? Is the story over?”

“I suppose so; for tonight, definitely. It ended happily enough, right?”

“I guess. It was over really quick.”

“Well, there was a lot more that they each did. But not tonight, and not tomorrow, either. Are you excited to see Daddy again?”

“Yeah, and to eat ice cream!”

“You have to eat all your dinner first.”

“Okay, I can do that. And then after Dad gets home, you’ll tell me more of the story?”

“I think you should ask Uncle Erik about Thor and Loki; he knows more stories than I do.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty old.”

“Don’t say that! He won’t make you noodles if you call him old.”

“Yes, he will; I’m _farfar_ ’s favorite.”

“Only because you’re his only. Good night, Jas-hands.”

“Loki’s happy, isn’t he? I want him to be happy.”

“I know you do. Everybody wants Loki to be happy, but… Yes, he’s happy at the end of the story.”

“That’s good. I want everybody to be happy. Even Tommy Wickner.”

“That’s very good of you, Jas. I’m so proud of you.”

“Good night, Mom. ‘Night, baby. Can we call it Loki?”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’m going to call it Loki, anyway.”

“We’ll just see about that. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _American Ninja Warrior_ is a real reality show based off a Japanese show of the same premise, which is basically people trying to do extreme obstacle courses. It is absurdly entertaining and easily converted into a potentially lethal drinking game, particularly if you chose the phrases ‘upper body strength’ and ‘arms at ninety degrees’ as your prompts to drink.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me until the end of this stylistic experiment, and I’d love to hear what you thought – leave a kudo or talk to me in the comments!


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